sunbursts and crescent moons

Dream Diary: 1 June 2008

my dream, as i told it to my friend Richie:

i dreamt you were walking in a dark part of the city, alone. some construction workers started tracking you. they wanted to rape you. they were deadset on catching you, dead serious. they chased you through piers and warehouses--it was like a Sin City chase. you jumped over fences and walls, crawled through gates and doors and windows, and still they were on your tail.

then you found one of those trucks, the type to which you attach a ten-wheeler trailer. you stole the truck, and drove off. but they found a smaller truck, and drove after you.

you drove to my mother's house in Antipolo for refuge. we hid you, but the truck you stole was still outside. the men followed you to our house, and they started beating down our heavy gate. i bolted it and leaned against it, but they were somehow able to push the gate hard enough to ruin the bolt. three of us were leaning on it, but there were more of them, and they were pushing resolutely.

they resorted to getting tools from their truck, and taking our gate apart. then i realized they might try our garage gate, so i ran to try and lock that.

when you were running from the men, it was night. very dark: shadows, dim lighting, with lampposts few and far between. but when you were at my house, it was morning. not bright and sunny, but early morning, like sunrise.

# # # # #

Oneal said, we just saw Richie last week, and now you're dreaming about him?

dream diary: 25 May 2008

my dreams are always dark.

they are two men in a cemetery, clutching letters and papers. they are old and tired, worn and weary from their addictions, from their trials and tribulations, from their shit lives and jobs. here is a last chance at hope.

they have both come here, in the dead of night, to find a treasure. but we are not grave robbers, one says to the other. we are only come here to claim what is ours. i do not know what riches they hope to unearth amid bones and rotting clothes and hair. many have come before, taking and taking from those who no longer need, and the graves that remain are empty but for the dead.

but we can search here, where no-one thinks to look, the other says. but it is dark, nearly pitch black and they have no shovels, no lights, no strength, nothing but greed and despair.

we should come back, says one. we can look for a map of the cemetery, compare notes, bring tools, to make it easier. then we can find what we seek, and even more!

but the other is desperate. i can no longer tell who is saying what, only that they are desperate, tired, worn.

they turn a corner, and it is dark. it looked as though you were but disembodied eyes--you could not see your feet if you looked down, your hands if you held them out, a wall even if it hit you. and yet you knew there was something there, creeping slowly, prickling the hairs at your neck, freezing you in fear until it was too late, and running only delayed the inevitable.

the men ran in the dark, turning corners, crashing into graves and tombstones, losing themselves in tunnels, drenched in sweat and tears, the stench of their fear and helplessness filling the air.

eventually they found open air, a small grassy lawn. they came out between two mausoleums, and across the street, they saw a family of women at a picnic, as though it were perfectly normal at this hour of night. all of a sudden they noticed the dim light from the lampposts, the fresh, clean green grass between the gravestones. all of a sudden, the place was no longer ominous and deadly. but they knew this was not true.

Dream Diary: 19 May 2008

It felt like a journey through a fantasy world. Turn a corner, open a door, and you're somewhere or even someone completely different.

1.

I was at a lavish, extravagant Christmas party, with treasure hunts, gifts and candies hidden everywhere, candles and flowers and balloons and lace. It looked like the ball in Labyrinth, except all in white.

2.

I was at school, in Riyadh. We were preparing for a party of sorts, and we were talking about exchange gifts, and we had to buy those big crinkles from ADB.

I was even in my high school uniform, and I went with my friend Pie and another classmate around the school. We had to buy something. There was much activity around--kids playing, students chatting.

The school looked uncharacteristically clean--no trash, no posters or bulletin boards on the wall. I said as much, and our classmate pointed to a discarded box on the floor.

We were walking around the campus, and we turned a corner. I glanced to my right, into the window of a faculty room. Inside I saw one of our teachers, Mrs. Ferido. We walked behind another building, and into the window of another faculty room. She was there again.

I must have glanced into three or four faculty rooms, and she was always in them, each time wearing a different dress, but always looking outside the window, sitting at a table.

3.

Oneal and I were up in the mountains, eating at an outdoor table with a nice roof set up above, made of rattan and bamboo and leaves. It looked like a nice mountain resort. We were there with a group of mountaineers, and Ian. We were all eating and telling stories and laughing.

Then someone took me to a room, apart from everyone, as if to distract me. When I realized this, I burst through the doors and into the function hall, where everyone seemed to be in a meeting. Everyone fell silent. Some people left.

I think Oneal was outside with Ian. She was upset and he was trying to comfort her. I saw them and misunderstood, and when I got angry Oneal couldn't tell me what was happening.

I was also angry because I realized that Oneal was building something with one of the guys, and he didn't tell me. I realized it was dangerous and obssessive and it could kill him. I was so angry and so upset, that I couldn't even begin to ask Oneal what he were doing, and why. And he was so reticent and cold.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

when i woke up, it felt like i had dreamed enough for ten nights.

dream diary: mother's day, 2008 May

last week, i dreamt about my mother.

i appeared on top of a tower, or a building, or some other tall structure. in the dream, i knew i was dreaming; i knew i had just appeared there, and i knew that i didn't know where i was. i was with my mother, who was a spy deep in cover, and a man who was only there to be comic relief.

as we descended on the outside of this structure--did we go down the long, narrow ladder? or did we rappel down?--the man told me to be careful of the snakes. i wondered, where were we, anyway? above him, my mother, in a black cat suit, looked and moved like a female Bond--silent, sure of herself, subtle, inconspicuous. such economy of movement.

the man noticed my confusion, and he said we were in Scotland. he told me, when Saint Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland, they all went to Scotland, so be careful of the snakes when we reached the ground.

it was night, and the rain fell in torrents. when we reached the ground, i saw that there were indeed many snakes on the ground, slithering in the water. they were all small, and short, and i took care to avoid them as i ran. we were rushing towards a helicopter that was waiting to take us to the safehouse. we barely made it.

Dream Diary: 18 May 2008

1.
I dreamt I was visiting DigSol, and someone was trying to re-hire me. Instead I recommended a classmate of mine from Miriam. Shey and Ava were still giving me updates on my old clients.

2.
I was in the yard at Yale, and there was a lot of water. Push was submerged. And I was looking for a koi or a goldfish to do a job for me. I was choosing from about 8 of them swimming in a box.

3.
I was going up a very narrow spiral staircase in a small bargain book shop. I saw those tiny Star Wars books, like the Phantom Menace one that Oneal bought, and I got two for P49.50. i even saw the price.

When I got to the top of the staircase, I entered a long and narrow room with green carpet, and many shelves of children's books. We were hiding from someone or something. Some men were hiding with me and the book shop's proprietress. Then we realized the entities from whom we were hiding were hunting down on of the men with us.

We had to decide if we were going to hide him or turn him in. We reasoned that he would never have done us any favors.

Dream Diary: November 2007

Dream Diary: 20 November 2007

i was trapped in a house. vampires were outside, trying to get in. we had a spell book, and we could cast spells by burning the pages on an open flame. we tossed a pile of pages on the flame, but the vampires kept coming. they would break through soon. i sheafed through the sheets to find something, anything that would be helpful. but all the spells i found were benign.

at last they broke through. reinforcements hid up in the many trees outside, watching our house, watching us, waiting for orders. inside, we sat around a table with the vampires, negotiating.

later, i was in a bedroom painted red. i was on the phone with someone, and he said his room was red too, with Chinese symbols painted and engraved all over it. next thing i knew, he was on my bed, trying to seduce me.

Dream Diary: 21 November 2007

we are traveling from end to end on the train tracks. we had to walk through the ruins of a city, while following the abandoned, elevated tracks of a train system that had been glittering and gleaming in its technological brilliance, but had long stopped speeding through the miles. old buildings were reduced to rubble, succumbing to weeds and roots all over their supposedly strong foundations. we trudged through these urban remains, our heavy packs on our backs. we were dressed for hiking.

we had to take the train from end to end.

we were living in a small room, like a dormitory, only there were so many of us, and small windows. were we on a mission?

it seemed as though i was glimpsing past and future. train. no train.

dream diary: 28 April 2008

i don't dream often. but there are occasions when i have a dream that's very long, and strange, and when i wake it feels as if i've been asleep for a hundred years.

i had such a dream, and such a deep sleep, last night.

i dreamt i was Robin Williams, as he was in One Hour Photo, the sad, lonely Sy Parrish. as Robin Williams, i walked into a strange government building, all chrome and tinted glass, long hallways, dim rooms, empty offices. or were they really empty?

i think i was lured there, and trapped for a long, long time. occasionally i would see other people: the female twins, the other programs. many of them were programmed to appear as female humans. me, i was assigned to be a sort of system administrator. i had to make sure the other programs were doing their jobs. but i couldn't do it anymore, and i had to escape.

when i was trying to find my way out, i ran into my replacement. he was another old man, but he was in a blue hazmat suit. but i knew he wasn't like me. he was trying to stop me from leaving, trying to convince me to stay with him, pleading. i was trying to hide my bellybutton.

he said, "what are you trying to hide? the scar of your umbilical cord? i don't need one of those."

"why do you humans feel such concern for your bodies? why must there be such contact? many of your kind have tried to initiate such contact with the female twins, with the programs." as he mentioned each name, a hologram of each female program walked towards us, disintegrating, vanishing, dissipating as it walked into me.

but i could not, would not stay. eventually he realized this, and he told me, "just follow this corridor. this corridor is Lincoln. parallel are Gordon and..." he mentioned another name, but i can no longer remember it. i followed his directions, and, to my surprise, i recognized the halls and the doors i had passed through when i first arrived. i rushed through the last tinted door, outside to my freedom.

but it was not over yet. outside, there was a crowd of people, other programs. they seemed to be shooting something, an instructional video? a commercial? i didn't know. i ran down the steps, hoping they wouldn't notice me, that they wouldn't realize that i was a human, escaping.

i ran to the road, and there was nothing. no cars, no public transport. how would i be able to leave?

across the street was a wall of trees.

finally there was a cab. i hailed it. but this cab was peculiar, in that you couldn't see an actual car. instead it was just a woman in a lab coat--the driver--with a large net around her, and she was moving down the road as if she were a car or a train. when i hailed her, she stopped, then made a u-turn and stopped in front of me, then threw off the net as though it were a cape. "hop in!" she said.

so i stepped under the net, and i saw that it was actually the interior of a car, and she was indeed in the driver's seat.

but i couldn't tell her where to go, or where i lived. i couldn't remember anything. exasperated, she said, "well at least tell me your name. maybe we can find your address." i tried and tried, but it was at the tip of my tongue, and i couldn't remember. the only name that came to mind was Kaspar Wolfwinkel, and i knew that was not me. that was the name of someone who was not nice, i knew.

i was able to give the driver some meager directions. i saw a familiar fork in the road, and i told her to take the left fork. i said, "this is it, i live along this road. i know that if you stay on this road, past my house, you'll eventually reach the Presidio." but even these details, it seems as though they were hazy in my mind, just out of my reach, and gliding further away.

finally we reached my home, and i saw the tall office building across the street, near the fork in the road. i recognized the name, and in my mind i remembered a little girl being held by her mother, and they were happy. i knew i was the little girl.

so who was i?

dream diary: entry for 6 November 2007

i was at a wedding rehearsal. it was Kat's wedding, at some big old church. people were fitting for their dresses and marching up and down the aisle. the church was full, as though it were the actual wedding day already, but it was evening and everyone was just milling about. though there were lights, the church was dim, and not festive.

there seemed to be a dais up front where the altar was. various people would ascend to announce things, and Anna and her younger sister, Jenny, went up and shared the mic to say some things, i know not what. they were dressed in fluffy white gowns, with puff sleeves and ruffles on the hem.

i was wandering around, now and again clutching Kat's arm to ask a question or make a comment. someone called an elderly lady to the stage, and Kat and i saw from afar that she wore a brilliant, sparkling dress, ever so lovely. we stepped near to take a look, but upon closer inspection it appeared she was only wearing a silvery blouse with many tassels, and jeans. we wondered how she could have changed so quickly. she walked down a side aisle to the altar, her face old and uncertain.

i went over near the doors on the left side, and saw a friend preparing something for the wedding day. i think she was my classmate, and i was a project we had to do. it had something to do with music, so i went with her and her father to their house in BF.

we tried working, but to no avail. at last i said i had to leave, and besides my classmate was feeling lazy anyway. i picked up my things and stepped out of their house, onto a quiet, shaded street, near a bend where the road forked. it seemed to be a small road in a small community, very quiet and very homely. but i didn't know how to get out. i only knew i had to go north.

i got on a tricycle. i don't remember what i said, but he brought me to what appeared to be a terminal. the tricycle passed through a small driveway, and turned into a small jeep. not an owner-type jeep, but just a short jeepney. i had no idea where i was supposde to go; i could only hope that they would bring me to the McDonald's in BF. then Patton got on the jeep, carrying many packages, so many that he had to pay for a seat just so he had someplace to put them.

dream diary: entry for 27 February 2007

i'm in a large room in a building. it looks like the buildings in my old school in Riyadh. it seems to be a family office--my mother's family, specifically. i'm there with my mom. i'm not sure who else.

we are being held up. apparently we had hidden the cash in little bundles and stashed them under the table by the window in the far end of the room, stuck to the belly of the tabletop. when we had handed the money over, we were made to sit in chairs by the table, and tied up. right in front of us was a large mirror, about the size of a wall, and it was hanging from the ceiling, facing the window. it had an ornate frame, made of what seemed to be brass.

i don't know who was with me aside from my mom, but there were four of us in those chairs. the rest of the room was lit up in small fires--twenty little flames, i think? maybe more. those little fires were arranged neatly on the floor, as if on a grid, and blocked the way between us and the door. not that we were capable of running.

soon, warriors dressed in traditional Thai costumes and masks arrived, assaulting the building. they carried curved swords. as they approached, they were met by more warriors, but dressed in different costumes--also Thai. the fray commenced. i didn't know why they were fighting, or what it had to do with me and my family.

i don't know how, but the rest is related to this thread in my dream. I know it's not a different dream: i was somehow transported outside the building, while Mom and the others remained inside. i was with some other people, and we had found an artifact. we were trying to decipher where it was from, and of what it was made. there were ancient writings on it, and it had something to do with garlic, and the origins of the artifact. it was a black disc, with a square in the middle, about five inches across.

there was a little woman, a midget, with us, dressed in a suit, with long, straight hair and a beautiful, strong face. her skin was the color of cream, her hair and her suit dark. because of this artifact, this little woman needed to conceive a child. it had something to do with Anna's baby. maybe we needed her help to save Anna's baby?

the little woman went around the woods to search for answers, and for a man to impregnate her. she went to a fair, and asked a man by the stage some questions. she looked beautiful standing in the grass, austere and determined in her dark suit. behind her, children played on a merry-go-round, and loud, happy music played eerily.

in the meantime, i had to take care of Anna, but she kept running. for a pregnant woman, she ran fast, and i could barely catch up with her. "well, she's in better shape," a companion told me. but i managed to reach her as she crested a hill while following a path to what looked like UP's Quezon Hall.

perhaps those warriors wanted the artifact?

dream diary: entry for 20 February 2007

i dreamt that the DECL finally accepted me. i attended my first faculty meetings and was given advice regarding my lesson plans. i was flattered, but i wasn't really sure of what i was doing. i was introduced to the rest of the faculty.

i was assigned a room with this other woman, who seemed to already know who i was. she seemed to have recently suffered some trauma, and when i was leaving the building that evening, i realized she lived in our room.

"you need somebody," i told her. she turns her tear-stricken face to me, smiles and says, "oh, i have a girlfriend."

dream diary: entry for 23 February 2007

i am at a hotel with Dante and Oneal. it's a new place, and the restaurant is still empty when we arrive. i'm sitting at a table with Dante and this older woman, while Oneal sits elsewhere. Dante has hooked up with this woman because they want to try out the rooms. i was a little surprised.

there was a swanky bar, and we were having a photo shoot with Raffy, Omar, and the rest of the Space Academy. even Annwen was there. we were playing around with the props and scarves and bags.

later, i was outisde, having a smoke with Dante and Natasha. we were watching the stars and the lights on the nearby buildings. the hotel where we were was between two hills, and other hotels stood atop those hills. soon we saw that the building to our left was sinking into the ground, and we couldn't figure out why, until we realized that our hotel was rising, and this made it look like the buildings on the hills were descending into the earth. it had something to do with the elevators in our hotel; it was like the building was stretching upwards.

dream diary: entry for 24 February 2007

I

i dreamt i was watching a play. the cast members were wearing business suits and deploring some situation. it was in the second floor of some bar that looked like Murphy's--all dark wood and plush green upholstery. i was seated in a booth with some people.

apparently the play involved some audience participation, and when my turn came, i said in a British accent, "oh for heaven's sake. it must be all the weed."

everyone was surprised, and the stunned silence was punctuated by laughter all around.

II

i'm supposed to be some offering, sent to fornicate with some important person. there are two of us women there; she is a tall German with long black hair and a stern face. and we were sent to a small but grand room, with ornate Chinese furnishings, dragon designs everywhere, a bed with silk sheets and emroidery. i know that there are two of these rooms that are identical, and between them is a bigger, more lavish room decorated in the same manner.

i think we were sent to appease some crime lord. i start caressingthe German woman.

III

there is a large lake, and i have been sent to do battle. but i'm having difficulty casting my spells, even though we jump and run and chase each other around and within the lake, and i am in my element. but the blue mana is nowhere.

she is stronger than me. it's as though we are fighting in a painting. while the surface of the water is blue, the depths have only black death and decay.

IV

i live in a small fishing village, and there are no fish. daily we cast our nets out to the sea, and she gives us no catch. the few that appear are small and pitiful. what brought on this drought?

my Tito Manny seems to be our village leader. he casts spells on the water, on our nets, in an attempt to appease the spirits. i walk on the beach, behind multitudes who are mending their nets. despair fills their faces. but it is not our nets that are faulty.

where are the fish?

dream diary: entry for 20 February 2007

remember what i said about the quantities of my dreams?

1.

Donna and i are leaving for a trip abroad. Paul had accompanied us to Market! Market!, but the place was closing so he had to leave. while waiting for our own departure, Donna and i were looking at gift items in some sort of curio shop. i was wearing my fur-lined green coat. i saw a small mask with sunburst rays emanating from it, atop a stick, it was a woman's face.

the shop was closing, but we didn't leave.

2.

Paul and i arrive at our destination. (is it the same trip as the one i was supposed to take with Donna?) in a car, Paul is driving while i'm in the passenger seat. Oneal is sitting in the back. we are on a tour of some sort--not a sightseeing tour, but some sort of celebrity tour, where we are scheduled to make appearances all over the city. it's as though Paul and i are experts of some sort, perhaps on business or something.

Oneal is the one who wrote all the press releases and marketing collateral. "i'm doing your job!" he tells me.

3.

we are in boats in underwater caves. the crew of the Black Pearl are going to see Tia Dalma. the rocks alongside the streams are lined with snakes made of pearls.

when we reach our destination, the pirates have a drink in honor of Jack Sparrow, and decide to pour a portion of the drink on the ground as an offering. this act is a catalyst, and everyone decides to rescue him.

but Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightley are nowhere in this dream.

dream diary: entry for 16 February 2007

i had a dream about rossetti.

i was having lunch with someone in a pub that looked like Murphy's, except it was called Penny Arcane. we were discussing bathroom renovations with Oneal, because i wanted some shelves on the counter. it was a pretty bathroom, similar to the ones you'd find in nice hotels.

lunch was over, and i was with quinnzap. we went to SM Makati to meet up with childofcinema and rossetti, and another friend of theirs. rossetti was very reticent, and rather withdrawn. as we climbed up the stairs, i asked childofcinema what was wrong.

"she's pregnant, and we're shopping for a wedding dress."

we find a few dresses for her to try on, and for some reason the discounted wedding dresses are in the same section as swimsuits and athletic wear. rossetti tries on a few, all the while worried about how the dress will fit her growing womb, her changing body. we tease her.

as we leave, we descend the stairs and i approach rossetti. "are you all right?" i ask.

she tels me she just doesn't want to think about it. she looks upset.

dream diary: 16 September 2006

(my father must miss me.)

i dreamt of Ralph Fiennes. apparently he was a member of TPTS, and he had some free time so he wanted to hang out with them. so he went around the mall looking for them.

i was in a sort of thrift shop with some TPTS members. he was asking what was up, so i told him about the Saturday cinemoot and the BSG thon. i don't remember if he went to either.

after that, i was in a sort of scavenger hunt with some geeks, Paul specifically. we went through a door in the mall, and ended up in a cemetery. so we play hide and seek among the tombstones. the cemetery is enclosed in a sort of warehouse with a very high ceiling; if i hadn't seen the grey walls with my own eyes, i wouldn't have known we were actually indoors.

we arrive at a granite slab, on which my father appears to be lying. he has some medication in a round, bubble-like encasement in his mouth. the bubble pops, and the medication spills. he wakes up.

i can't get over it. i think, "e paano yun? kaka-libing lang namin sa kanya two weeks ago!" i keep asking, "paano nangyari yun?"

he goes home to some house, and i'm with him. he sits at a table beneath a bright tiffany lamp, though everything else in the room is dark. he's cheerful, and he's eating. i can't help but think of Pet Sematary.

Dream Diary: everything

my dreams are all muddled. i remember bits and pieces here and there, and i am often too busy to write them down.

i remember trying to pick of a line of dirt from my face, and finding what at first seems to be mud. upon closer inspection, i find that it's a small brown snake with intermittent red stripes. i drop the mud snake in horror and disgust. why did i even have mud on my face in the first place? i hate snakes.

other dreams are even more vague, and they've slipped from memory already. it must be really bad if even my dreams are bewildered.

what's wrong? dammit.

Dream Diary - Entry for June 2006

my subconscious has been acting up.

I - 17 June 2006

i was trying to book a church for a wedding in June. i looked through the reservation book, hoping and hoping that the date i had in mind was free. it was a big church, high ceilings, Gothic i think, white everywhere, marble steps.

then Oneal comes along and says, "but i've taken care of everything already."

"what?" i say, surprised.

"yeah," he says. "it's going to be be in the end of June next year."

II - 18 June 2006

i dreamt that we had rented a house for the convention. it was a small place, but the rooms were spacious. it looked like the houses built by outreach groups, simple a bare, one level, white walls, big windows, plain roof.

the groups set up large tables in two different rooms. no booths. everyone seems to have all sorts of crafts on their tables; it was like ahome economics class. Reitch was supervising the TPTS table, where you could make waffles. At another table, you could do finger painting.

as i looked around i said, "but it's three weeks till the con! we can't pay for this place for three straight weeks!" but everyone was settled in already and happy there.

III - 23 June 2006

i am meeting my mom and some obscure relatives for a night out. we all rendezvous at a cafe somewhere, and turns out the obscure relatives are Kate and Kris.

we have to go elsewhere, Eastwood or Greenbelt, or Malate. we don't fit in one vehicle, so Mom and the others have to take one vehicle, and i have to share a cab with Kate and Kris. Kate is trying to be friendly and chatting me up. "so what are you like? tell me about yourself," she says cheerily.

i hesitate, and tell her, "uh, gee. i don't know. where do i begin?" Kris is ignoring me.

Dream Diary - Entry for June 10, 2006

i am trying to get dressed, but for some reason none of my clothes and bras will fit. i don't understand it.
i go to the office. Val and Shey tell me that while i was asleep, they injected silicon into my breasts, therefore making me a Cup E.
"Merry Christmas!" they cheerily say. obviously, i am flabbergasted.

Dream Diary - Entry for February 8, 2006

i'm in some sort of castle. Manny Pacquiao just entered the locker room; he has just come from a fight which he won. i am in the locker room, waiting. but apparently i am not alone.

another Pinoy boxer is in the room, but i cannot remember his name. he has his own claim to fame, but nothing like Pacquaio's. he is proposing marriage to me. he is still dressed in his shorts and boots and boxing gloves. his face is bloody and bruised, his body sweaty.

Pacquaio is uncomfortable, so he walks out again.

later, as i am preparing my things for the wedding with the other boxer, Pacquaio comes in and proposes too.

Dream Diary - Entry for a whole week

i kept dreaming last week, but i only remember snippets:

• Sunday, 29 January:

i look like Sarah Michelle Gellar. my mother had been trapped in an underground hatch for years and years, the trapdoor of which was buried in the garden of our glass and chrome house. one day, i found a square hole in the garden, with a box and my name on a place holder. inside the box is a lone key, and beneath the box is a trapdoor. i open it and enter; before i can see that the trapdoor can only be opened from the outside, i am trapped inside.

i spend years inside the hatch. it's comfortable, though. nice couches with rounded out corners, primary colors, bright and friendly lighting, lots of food. but it drives me crazy.

one day, someone crawls through the vent. i beat him up and take his gun, then crawl through the vent to my escape. the fact that my mother was the one who put me in that hatch seems to be on my mind as i run with the gun in my hand.

• Tuesday, 31 January:

i am stranded on an island with my mom and my brother. we're actually pretty comfortable; we'd managed to build a house and beds for ourselves. but i kept wondering, what's gonna happen now?

Ricky and Reitch were on the island with us, but Reitch died of some tropical disease. her body had to be burned, lest the others become infected. Locke's arm had been cut off, and we had to burn someone else along with Reitch. he volunteered, and we could see his face contorted in pain as the flames consumed him.

it seems other people had built themselves houses too, and we had built ourselves a nice little village. but the people weren't so nice. suspicion made the rounds, and someone hid the fact that they had a radio. a trio of Hispanic thugs moped in our living room while glaring as i walked away. if there was a radio, maybe there was a way to find help?

• Thursday, 2 February:

i dreamt that Digital Solutions had decided to branch out, and we were now in showbiz too. i was handling two talents and taking them to GMA for auditions and stuff. German Moreno was there too.

the talents were both male. one of them was Art. i got them gigs, and we were going round, meeting people. when Art and i left the place, we went to an apartment and made out.

• Friday, 3 February:

i dreamt that i was at this spa, and i was looking for people. a bunch of us geeks were there to be in costume, and Gary was Harry Potter. he stood on this large platform that was made to look like a giant gift box, complete with a bow and all. it rose and descended with the music while Gary moved like Mickey Mouse in Fantasia.

some people got lost, so i went looking for them. i entered this spa, and when i went in, two girls who were mostly naked lay on a long table, all oily from the massage. there were candles all over the room. when i approached them, they started licking my breasts. it was very arousing.

• Sunday, 5 February:

i lived in a loft in a barn. like Clark Kent in Smallville. i was going out on a gimmick with Carlo and some other Blurty people, but i don't remember who they are. we were going to this store in some mall. that store sold penis shaped candy! i wanted to go there bebauce i wanted to buy chocolate body paint.

the penis shaped candy was actually a thick, dark chocolate shell with white chocolate filling. we were all giggling so hard. Carlo was biting off the tip of the penis-shaped candy, and the white filling was oozing out.

• Tuesday, 7 February: this one's a two parter.

• my bed was surrounded by snakes. shiny, long, thick snakes, slithering and rocking my bed as they slid around my room. in fact, i thought i saw a boa constrictor gliding through the sheets when i woke up.
• i'm at a grocery with someone, and buying all the wrong items seemed to be the best revenge on the person who'd given us the grocery money. my companion and i were arguing over what cereal to get. he wanted oatmeal. i wanted corn flakes.

Dream Diary - Entry for January 11, 2006

perhaps this was influenced by the CSI:NY episode we saw, where the man who repaired broken dolls for a living was killed in his "doll hospital." i dreamt that a man i knew was being attacked with a porcelain doll.

the attacker had grabbed a naked porcelain doll by its baby feet, and was hitting the victim's head with the doll's bald head, its hairless shape shattering against the victim's skull. i could see the doll's eyelashes fluttering as her head made contact with the skull, the mouth moving as if to say "Mama" while she was swung around like a common weapon.

i don't remember if the victim cried out. i saw him crouch, and raise his arms to shield himself from the pain. the pieces of porcelain were all over the floor.

i think the victim was Erwin. but i can't be sure.

Dream Diary - Entry for October 20, 2005

why are people always trying to kill me?

i dreamt this the week my father died.

did you see Mad Max? i don't remember much of it myself, but what's relevant is the look: post-apocalyptic. it was like one of those, "the future is misery" types, where it was the future, but society had reverted to the feudal system. many had little armies and, there were many feudal lords and such

I.
in my dream, Oneal was one such feudal lord, and i was his kept woman. he refused to set me free because i could fight, and was valuable.

someone long ago had put these round, spiked metal things under my skin, around my waist, and some middle-aged female relative of his, a sort of wicked aunt, was sewing up everyone's wounds. yet she refused to sew me up until those spikes had been removed. so she undertook to remove them, and pulled them out. not gently. relishing my screams of pain. when they were all gone, she sewed me up, but only i could see the scars. Dante wouldn't believe the scars hurt, and kept touching my skin were the spikes had been, poking the still tender flesh.

the screams were so surreal that i couldn't hear them. but i know i was screaming while the aunt chuckled.

II.
in another part of the same dream, i was walking through a winter wilderness with my mom and my brother. my mom walked ahead of us, my brother by my side. then he started arguing with me. he kept saying angrily, "bakit kasi ayaw mo bumalik?"

then he pulled out a knife and started fighting with me. he wanted so much to hurt me, so i pulled out my own knife, and soon we were rolling on the ground, determined to hack at each other

III.
i think there was a flashback in the dream. i was some sort of geisha, and another woman and i were serving tea to each other behind dark red curtains while outside, people peeked in at us.

i think we were performing an act. we must have been expensive hookers or some such. everyone carried knives.

IV. - upon waking
when i woke up, my ankles hurt, and i kept asking Dante if he could see any scars around my waist or my ankles, or if he found any broken bones on me. i was stunned and shivering for some hours, and all my muscles hurt.

Dream Diary - Entry for December 21, 2005

for some reason, i have slighted my arnis instructor, and he is angry. i think it has something to do with romantic entanglements, but i am not sure. he is on his way to attack and kill me.

but Oneal won't let anything happen to me. we are sitting in a big Japanese style room, where the doors are made of paper and bamboo. the stairs leading down from an upper floor are in the middle of the room, and there is minimal furniture, little more than wooden benches and tables.

when the instructor arrives, they battle. with knives, with fists, with kicks and blows. i crouch in fear by the staircase while they whizz around the room in a flurry of action; my instructor's face an angry mask, Oneal's the epitome of calm. i cry in fear as i watch the pair throwing and kicking tables and benches out of the way, hitting other people who try to scurry away before the skirmish kills them. i take a moment to doubt: can Oneal fight him? fear kills all certainty.

exasperated, the enemy brings out a katana, and he and Oneal trade blows. the enemy poses on the landing at the staircase, ready to strike; Oneal leaps, and in a heart-stopping moment worthy of Ruroni Kenshin, he manages to strike the enemy. the katana traces a slice along the waist on the infidel's back, clean enough to appear first as a mere scratch, deep enough to spill his guts. stunned, the instructor drops his weapon, and clutches his stomach; blood is staining his blue shirt now. can the wound be so deep that the blade pierced his skin through his stomach?

Oneal runs to his side, and sits beside him on the stairs. the enemy whispers, "thank you."

Dream Diary: Entry for September 19, 2005

there are many of us visiting students at this hotel. there is a multi-disciplinary conference of sorts; there is even a basketball clinic. delegates from various institutions have arrived to participate in engaging learning exeriences led by experts in their fields.

i'm in a Psych class or seminar. it's a fascinating experience, and i truly admire the woman teaching the class. i enjoy it so much that i visit her in her office and tell her about my hallucinations. elsewhere, an athlete is enjoying himself as the only visiting student in the basketball clinic. the team fawns over him, trains him well, teaches him how to win. he loves every minute of it.

whilst i tell my Psych teacher about my hallucinations, a little girl enters her office, and for some reason i know something is wrong. i come to a realization, and in horror i become hysterical. i fall to the floor, sobbing and shying away from the child and my teacher. what have i gotten myself into?

meanwhile, the athlete has realized that it is time to go. we delegates all exit the hotel; the hotel façade is faces a cliff that overlooks the sea. as we walk to our transport down the wide driveway, translucent figures of the people who'd mentored us for the past few days appear, and we walk through them as though they were mist.

the athlete sees this, and runs back in panic to the court. "we play for all eternity," the players tell him sadly. and i, still sitting in the Psych teacher's office, watch in horror as the little girl fades away.

Dream Diary: Entry for September 11, 2005

why is it that in my dreams, foreigners are always French?

i am in MPO. i enter the elevator to go to our office on the 19th floor. for some reason, MPO here actually looks like a hospital; like Makati Med, in fact.

in the elevator with me are a foreign couple, and a French gentleman who soon starts talking to me. he's flirting with me, and i get flustered and annoyed. he's not young, nor very good-looking, but he is charming and witty. i get off at the 19th floor, and when the elevator doors close behind me, i realize that i have forgotten all my things in the elevator.

later that morning, i run across the foreign couple - i think they're Indian. they tell me that the Frenchman has my things, and that he can return them to me at lunchtime if i would meet him at a designated place. i smell a scheme, but he has my things. what can i do?

i meet him at the designated place, and he chats me up. while i am not interested in the Frenchman, i am flattered by his attentions.

Dream Diary: Entry for September 10, 2005

Oneal and i are driving to Robinson's Galleria. when we enter the mall, its layout is somewhat different from the usual. there's a wedding fair on the ground floor, and as we walk past it, i notice Knight Error sitting in one of the booths with a girl. i tell Oneal to hurry past, but we go round the back of the booth to peek.

apparently Knight Error's seen us, and he comes over to talk. he comes near me, and i shriek. Oneal grabs his collar and throws threats at him, while Knight Error is so calm that it is disturbing. i sit on the floor, back against a wall, screaming and crying. Oneal tells me to run for it. while i try to escape, i somehow jump over a crowd of people scurrying into an elevator and make it just as the doors close.

i find myself next in a car. Oneal is driving, and somebody whose face i cannot see is in the front seat. i am in the back, and Knight Error is beside me. he keeps trying to talk to me, and he is oddly calm yet persistent. i am crying and i keep telling him, "shut up, shut up! stop talking to me! go away!" i push him, slap him, kick him, punch him, but he doesn't stop talking!

it's a long drive. we end up at some sort of factory or office; the plan was for all of us to disembark, but once Knight Error exits the car we drive off and leave him. we drive through a narrow street, and it's a miracle the car is able to pass through at all. we arrive at a small house in the forest. Oneal and the woman disappear, and i alone enter the house.

my family is now a different set of people, and apparently i have been missing for a long time. i kiss my mother, who is elated to see me. she calls in my two sisters, one of whom seems to be Maxene Magalona, the other a little girl. both of them are fair-skinned and look Chinese.

my mother also calls in my two brothers, and to my horror, one of them is Knight Error. i am almost hysterical when he walks into the room. but it seems there is something wrong, and the other brother makes us all go outside. then he makes Maxene and Knight Error go away, because it seems they are not who they seem. he sends them and their belongings down the river.

Dream Diary: Entry for August 22, 2005

i am at dinner with my blockmate, Liz, and she tells me to go to this reunion at a certain condo unit. and to bring Oneal. we go.

upon arrival, we find all sorts of debauchery, but it seems all in good fun. it seems to be a combination of a block reunion and a frat party. many of my blockmates and their significant others are there.

outside, it's raining, and very windy. the condo unit is on a very high floor. on the ground, what seems to be thick, thick mist is blowing around the cars that are parked. the rain falls in torrents. for a while, it seems dangerous outside, and no-one dares venture out.

later, we peek through the window and find a lone man walking among debris. i and another girl rush downstars to let him in through one door; through the other, water was pouring in from the flood outside, and the stench of dead bodies was overwhelming. the corpses of the drowned were sprawled all over building blocks and trashed cars - it looked like a war zone. how could such destruction pass so quickly and without our
noticing?

again and again i tried to push the second door shut, but to no avail. water kept pouring in.

we were trapped.

Dream Diary: Entry for August 21, 2005

i don't often dream. when i do, it happens several times in one night, or several nights in one week. sometimes i remember. more often i don't.

it helps me remember if i recount the dream to someone, in lieu of writing it down here immediately. the act of recalling the plot twists and the strange occurences helps lock the memory of Morpheus' visit in my head.

last night, i had three dreams. if i dream several times in a night, it usually numbers three.

I

i was a thief. i was in a car with my two partners, and i got the distinct impression that we were in London. we are wore thick wool coats, and they wore those simple round hats that we associate with Russians.

i had somehow bungled a job we were doing, and they were very angry. i sat in the car and they tried to reach for me from the outside - i had locked the doors. they were waving their guns at me. we exchanged shots.

they must have dragged me out through a broken window, the next thing in the dream is that i am being rushed to a nearby clinic - my ankle had been broken and was bleeding profusely. i was put in a hospital bed ina dimly-lit rom full of about a hundred other hospital beds, side by side, end to end, all empty.

i was not bleeding elsewhere, but the wound seemed critical. i felt no pain, and was even sitting up while watching the blood flow from my wound. but the ankle didn't appear broken; i couldn't even see where the skin had split. a glass jar had somehow been attached to my ankle to catch the blod but not to stop the bleeding. there was much blood. it seemed they wanted me to bleed to death.

II

i walk into a room somewhere and ran into Erwin. i was stunned, but genuinely happy to see him. i invited him to dinner at my house. equally enthusiastic, he agreed. fr some reason, this detail stands out: he is wearing a dark green collared t-shirt.

in this dream, my house is an old Manila apartment, the kind you se in Malate, built in the 1960s. i share the house with my mom and my brother, and Oneal is at dinner too. Erwin arrives, smiling and friendly, but progressively reticent as the evening passes. in fact, he hardly talks to me and more and more he speaks only to Oneal. it is odd, and i am distressed. why the initial enthusiasm, ad then the polite smile and sudden silence? he didn't seem like he didn't want to be there, onlylike he had run out of things to say, and silence was the only kindness he could offer.

III

my lost kitten, Runt, had returned. i descended into the yard of the house and saw her sitting placidly on the cement, looking at me as though she expected to be picked p.

she seemed so much smaller and cleaner than she had been before.

Dream Diary: Entry for August 19, 2005

as is the case with most dreams, i forgot most of this one when i awoke.

all i remember is that i was at the office, and it was evening. office hours were over, but i returned to the office for some reason. in the dream, i remember Kenneth, our lead developer, telling me he'd locked the office, but i was able to open the door, and i had no key.

while i was there, someone arrived from another unit in the building. she was looking for Donna, our other project manager. she was giving away free samples of pantyhose. another woman arrived; she was with the first woman. they wanted to leave samples of the pantyhose for Donna, and i thought, can i have some too? and they left samples of all colors and all sizes of pantyhose.

Dream Diary: Entry for June 19, 2005

 

i hope i never dream this dream again.

i dreamt Oneal had suffered some sort of head trauma, an aneurysm in his brain is what i remember from my dream (is that actually fatal?), and had died.

i was hysterical and inconsolable. i hope never to have to hear those words.

Dream Diary: Entry for June 12, 2005

 

ever dream that you're being chased?

in this dream, i am in our office in ADB. BenC and i are eavesdropping on a meeting in the adjacent room; the door is open, and we can hear everything, particularly Attorney's loud voice. surprisingly, she is praising a report i had written.

somehow, terrorists penetrate the Bank's security and take everyone in that meeting room hostage, Data and Attorney included. for some reason, BenC and i and the rest of us in the adjacent room heard nothing. as i am on my way out, the terrorists grab me too, and throw me in the back of an SUV, where Data, Attorney and some other members of the professional staff are sitting, bound.

i don't know how, but i escape.

i run to my house, which in this case is an impressive place, with high French windows and a landscaped garden. alas, they expected me to do this; there they lay in wait, and they hold a cloth with some chemical on me, and i am unconscious.

i don't know how, but i escape again. i run to our other office, and beg BenC and Val for help. i'm crying as i ask them how i can use my mobile phone without the terrorists detecting it; will they be able to monitor my calls even if i change my SIM card? i also ask them where i can get a gun. i'm hysterical, i'm crying, i don't know what to do.

i call my Tito Manny and ask him to pick me up and bring me to Antipolo. then BenC tells me he can drive me there instead. i politely decline his offer, and ask instead that he drive out in his car while i take my own. we move out.

as we drive out of the parking, some chemical induces me to think that i am underwater, and that i must rescue this peculiar water creature.

it is here that i awaken.

Dream Diary: Entry for June 09, 2005

 

i was walking through a house of sorts. for some reason, Darth Maul is chasing me, and i am terrified.

i awaken, but only in the dream; i have to tell someone what i found in the house, what happened to Darth Maul. i was counting something, but i can't remember.

Dream Diary: Entry for May 06, 2005

 

of course, just when i start a dream diary, the dreams stop.

Dream Diary: Entry for April 28, 2005

 

this time, i am Anakin Skywalker. not the angry boy towards the end of Episode 2, but an uneasy and still-frightened lad who might have been Anakin prior to Episode 2.

i am in Coruscant, at the Senate, hesitant whilst Quinlan Vos is training me. his lightsaber is on, and he swings it around artfully. several times he almost hits me, but i only just jump away in time. awkwardly i swing my saber, and manage to deflect his attacks a few times.

then Chancellor Palpatine arrives. in his smooth and calm way, he walks in and comments on the training, and makes some sugestions that only Vos can hear. next thing i know, he has Vos pinned against a wall and i am trying to stop them. somehow, his hand detaches from his arm, and it crawls up Vos' shoulder.

he laughs sadistically while doing this.

with his other hand, he takes hold of Vos' neck, and lifts him till his feet no longer touch the ground. i watch helplessly, and i don't know that to do; how can i deign to help a Jedi Knight? how can i deign to defy the Chancellor?

Vos struggles, and eventually he stops moving. Palpatine laughs, and throws the now lifeless body aside, as if it were a mere rag doll. he turns to me, and i am afraid. he wants me to join him, but i run away.

Dream Diary: Entry for April 27, 2005

 

whilst i slept, i had a series of dreams that distressed me. i felt nauseated when i awoke.

I.
my mother and i were walking around a languages institute. we met this very good-looking Frenchman; as we were ascending a few steps in a hallway, he tripped, and i helped him gather his things. he smiled, and seemed stunned. as my mother and i walked away, arm in arm like a pair of schoolgirls giggling about a handsome beau, i looked back, and saw him reaching for a book still lying on the ground, frozen in his pose whilst he stared after us in what seemed to be awe.

later on in the dream, i find that he's been hitting on both me and my mother - he had a blackboard that tracked his progress, progress with my mother in parallel with his progress with me. i remember being stunned and angry.

II.
my classmate from Riyadh, Kathleen, is getting married to someone who looks and acts like Andy Garcia in Ocean's Eleven. she's terribly unhappy, and the whole wedding is unorganized. for some reason, they're not having the ceremony in a church, but on a street corner in a town that looks like it's in Tim Burton's imagination, where everything is grey and black and dreary.

she even looks like a Tim Burton bride, in a clean white gown, with antique lace, her expression mournful and her hands folded meekly by her waist.

later, her groom is asking the entourage if they had seen the ceremonial blanket, and asks how long it will take to retrieve it from Castillejos; apparently we're in Zambales. he decides to pause the ceremonies to try and get things together, so Kathleen and i sit at a table and wait.

i remember that she had a child before, with another man, when we were in college. i asked her what happened to the child, and before she answered her eyes darted around to make sure no-one was listening.

the child had died.

III.
i was asleep here in Cubao. i heard the Sony Ericsson Z200 i'm using - which has the SIM where my mother texts me - give off the message alert, and i sleepily reached across my best friend's sleeping form to get the phone. i could even feel how dazed from sleep i still was. i saw the alert on the screen saying, "new messages from inay ko po. read now?"

i pressed "yes" and read the message. "i need some money." slightly annoyed at having been awakened with this message, i called my mother. she explained. "kasi kailangan humiram ng pera ng boyfriend ko e," she said, slightly embarrassed.

"boyfriend?" i asked.

"uhm, may boyfriend kasi ako. na-meet ko siya sa work. at, aaah, medyo mas-bata siya sa kin." pause. "na-zero balance kasi yung account niya, kailangan niya ng pera. e... wala ako'ng pera ngayon, kaya humihingi ako ng tulong sa yo."

i said, "no."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
if there was anything else after that, i forgot it the moment i awoke, at which point nausea and distress set in.